Careers

Review betting patterns for anomalies. You will find anomalies. You will not be told what to do about them.

After each matchday, recalculate the odds for every remaining game in the season. Your models will be wrong sometimes. The Ice will be wrong never. Reconcile this.

Write the official O.D.D.S. commentary that accompanies odds shifts. 'The line has moved' is not sufficient. Why has it moved? You will speculate professionally. You will not speculate mystically. That is O.M.E.N.'s department and we do not have a department like that.

Ensure fan enthusiasm remains within acceptable parameters. Too little enthusiasm is concerning. Too much enthusiasm is also concerning. You will learn the acceptable range. Eventually.

Design and maintain the process by which new fans enroll. The word is 'enroll,' not 'sign up.' This distinction matters more than you think. You will also ensure the first 500 are remembered. How they are remembered is your problem.

Maintain the match schedule. Games start at 14:00 UITC (also known as 2:00 PM UITC but the Ice thinks in absolute). They have always started at 14:00 UITC (also known as 2:00 PM UITC but the Ice thinks in absolute). If you notice a discrepancy, do not file a report. Simply adjust your understanding.

Manage the transition between seasons. The Draft, the Elections, the Market, and The Resurfacing must occur in order and on schedule. The Jambono does not wait. Neither can you.

Operate The Horn. When something happens, you relay it. You do not editorialize. You do not add context. You do not use exclamation marks. You relay. The Horn sounds when something happens. You are The Horn.

Draft LPCHUIP Match Advisories for publication via The Horn. You will receive information from The Ice—sometimes directly, sometimes through observation, sometimes not at all. In all three cases, you must produce an advisory. The advisory must sound authoritative regardless of how much you actually know.

Monitor player entries into and exits from The Sixth. Log all modifier changes. Comfort returning players as needed. Do not enter The Sixth yourself. Do not look directly into The Sixth. Do not think about The Sixth when you are not at work. Do not think about The Sixth when you are at work. Simply observe.

Maintain the official registry of known modifiers. Document new modifiers as they appear. Categorize them as Positive, Negative, Ambiguous, or Weird. The Weird category is growing faster than the others. This is noted but not discussed.

Serve as the point of contact between Le Council and The Jambono. You will relay Le Council's scheduling requirements to The Jambono. The Jambono will not acknowledge your relay. The Jambono will resurface when The Jambono resurfaces. Your role is to be present when it happens and to document what changed. Something always changes.

Visit each arena and confirm that its modifier is functioning within expected parameters. 'Expected parameters' is a generous term. You will file reports. Your reports will raise more questions than they answer. This is normal.

Conduct the official attendance census at The Remote Range. The current count is 2,347,816. Le Council requires annual verification. The penguins do not cooperate with the census. They do not move. They do not leave. They simply are. Count them anyway.

After each season's Final, The Puck speaks. One sentence. Your job is to analyze it. You will write a report. The report will be inconclusive. You will file it alongside every other inconclusive report from every other season. The archive is growing. Understanding is not.

Advise Le Council on legal matters pertaining to a sport that exists outside any national jurisdiction, governed by laws written by an entity that may or may not be sentient, played across six continents and one research station, using a currency that does not exist. Standard corporate law experience is insufficient. Non-standard experience is preferred.

All disputes in Hockay are settled by a best-of-seven series. You will administer these series. You will not ask why all disputes—including parking disputes, contract disputes, and existential disputes—are settled this way. The Terms of Service are clear.

Stand by in case Jean-Michel 'JM' Laflèche is unable to commentate. He has never been unable. He has commentated through blizzards, Whiteouts, Jambono Resurfacings, and at least one event that Le Council has Glacified. Your job is to exist as a contingency. You will train daily. You will never go on air. Probably.

Investigate the color commentator known as 'Dot.' Determine her full name. Determine her background. Determine how she knows things she should not know. Previous officers in this role have produced no results. Le Council continues to fund the position because the alternative—not investigating—is worse.

Measure and report on ice conditions across all arenas. The ice at The Oldest Rink has an amber tint. The ice at The Red Furnace is in a constant state of thermal negotiation. The ice at The Remote Range is indistinguishable from the continent. None of this is normal. Your reports should treat it as normal.